Three Tips for Surviving Depression

Depression has long been an ugly, secretive dragon that has lurked in the shadows of humanity. It's also been an extremely misunderstood monster.

Pop culture has shown us extreme, cartoony versions of depression throughout the last few decades. We've seen the crying, the meltdowns, the chain-smoking. We've heard that depressed people need to light candles, get a dog, take a bubble bath, go to the spa, be thankful for what they have, stop complaining, look on the bright side, and generally, just stop. Some of this advice comes from professionals. Some of it doesn't. Anyone with depression has met at least a few people who don't suffer from depression, but have more than a little advice for people that do. It can feel like the motive behind all of this aggressive advice is "stop being depressed, it's bumming me out." It can become exhausting, and even more depressing, being told that we could cure ourselves if we just sniffed the right amount of candles... especially when we know that isn't true.

While this post only covers a few must-haves for surviving depression, please know it comes from a person who has and is struggling with depression too. These are tips that I've road-tested, and continue to use every day. I hope they can be helpful to you. You are not alone.

Movement: Movement is so important. I used to scoff at doctors who said that taking walks was good for depression, but that was before 2016. When depression hit me hardest, it took everything in my body to even get out of bed and complete small tasks at home. Suddenly, things like leaving the house, seeing friends, or working a shift at a retail job felt almost impossible. I was terrified of slipping back into the crisis state I'd been in after my concussion in 2008, and felt like I would never have energy again. Movement, walking, working out, working shifts at Starbucks... those things were what propelled me slowly back out of the weeks and months of sleepy, lifeless, hopeless existence.

Movement can come in any form you can handle. Make a small daily goal for yourself and try to stick to it, no matter what. The smaller the goal, the better chance you have of achieving it. The more you achieve goals, the better you'll feel. So start with something small, like walking to the end of your street and back once a day, or walking for ten minutes on the treadmill, or doing twenty jumping jacks a day. If you find that it's almost bedtime and you've missed your movement goal, don't give up! Do it then, anyway, even if it's late at night. If you absolutely can't, just be honest and direct with yourself. "I couldn't do my movement goal today. That's okay. I've been doing it every day, and I'll do it tomorrow." Then, with as much power as you have in you, try to forgive yourself and let it go. Guilt is not your friend, so try to banish it from your life.

Support system: Many people with depression feel alone. Depression is a strange, invisible, mythical condition that some people will never experience or understand. To them, depression looks like it does on TV... sad girls crying into ice cream when they have a breakup, dramatic crying episodes from unhappy wives, etc. But that is not always what depression looks like. It can be quiet, even silent, and it is almost always physical in ways that people without depression can't understand. Sometimes I have told bosses that I was sick, because it was easier to explain how little energy I had by saying I'd caught a germ, rather than admitting that depression/anxiety had gotten the better of me for a day. Depression can make you feel as exhausted as someone battling a flu, and anxiety can make you feel as sweaty, sick to your stomach, and weak as having a bad cold. So how can you handle those really awful days alone, when people don't understand what you're going through?

You shouldn't. You need a support system. Reach out to people online, reach out to friends, or people who are suffering from depression as well. Ask them about their experiences and advice. Reach out to a therapist, or a counselor. Find at least one person who you can be honest with, when you're feeling too depressed to complete a simple task, make a phone call, or handle an important matter. If you feel like you might be burdening your friend with this, ask them ahead of time if it's okay for you to reach out to them when you need a support system. Consider starting with, "I'm having a bad depression day. Can I tell you what's going on in my head right now?" If you start off this way, they can be honest with you about if they have time and energy to help you, and you won't feel like you are burdening them.

Kindness: This is a big one. Not everyone is naturally empathetic, but anyone who is suffering from depression knows how hard life can be. Fighting a monster like depression while also living in a kind, loving way can feel like a challenge. But doing things for other people can be both incredibly rewarding, and a great way to counteract the nastiness of depression and anxiety.

So much of depression revolves around guilt. There's guilt for why you're depressed, for when you're depressed, for the things that you miss because you're depressed, for the people you've let down, etc. Depression is one big ugly ball of guilt. A great way to shatter that guilt is with kindness and giving. Take time to send a nice message to a friend, even if it's something tiny. Send a link to a funny meme you know your friend will like. Pay for the person's coffee behind you at Starbucks. Say hello to an older person who looks lonely in line at the grocery store. Send a friend $5 as a surprise, just because. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Ask a friend if you can dog-sit for them for free, just to get some awesome dog-cuddling time in. Taking charge and helping someone else in their time of need can short circuit your own anxiety or depression temporarily, allowing you to concentrate on something outside of your own brain. Small acts of kindness help you to feel stronger, happier, and more connected with others. It also reminds you, even in a small way, that you are a good person, worthy of getting better and feeling better.

I hope these things help you. While this is a very short list, these are some of the most important tools I've used for fighting back at depression. If you need someone to talk to, you can reach out to me, or you should call 212-673-3000, or another crisis/depression hotline. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. You are not alone.

A Note About Depression

A few years ago, I did something that had previously been too frightening to do: I started telling people that I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder. Before that, I had always made excuses for avoiding situations, for having to cancel plans, for days where I couldn’t leave the house. I had to claim more headaches and unidentified work than any one person can claim in any given month. Anxiety was such an ugly and embarrassing word.

Finally, though, I experimented with telling the truth. “I had a panic attack last night and don’t feel up to coming over today. I’m sorry”, or “I’m sorry, but being in a car for six hours won’t work with my anxiety right now.” Sure, there were times when people would either give me the side eye or would just float out of my life, but surprisingly? Many people understood. Over time, I realized I could put some fences up when I needed to, and that most people wouldn’t step over them. That knowledge was freeing and relieved so much stress that I kept wondering why I’d waited so long.

But why is it so hard to admit we might be depressed? Why is it so hard to admit we may actually be very depressed?

This blog has been a victim of depression. My love for fashion, and helping women find confidence in themselves through clothes, makeup, and well-being, my love of conducting interviews… all of it has become a victim of the crushing exhaustion that comes with even considering opening a word file, typing words, and posting them.

The list of victims of this mental illness in my life is staggering.

Depression is not the same as sadness. It’s not the same as the hormonal swings women face when their menstrual cycles are fast approaching. It’s not crying at a sad movie.

It’s standing in front of the sink for five minutes, holding a dish, and not knowing if you can wash that dish, or any of the dishes. It’s being three hours late to a friend’s party, if you manage to go at all. It’s hiding from a family member because you can’t stop crying. It’s meaning to finish straightening a book shelf and never being able to. It’s never enjoying any of the food you eat. It’s feeling tired all the time. It’s not understanding what someone is saying to you because you’re too tired to even put their words in order. It’s feeling like you can’t concentrate. It’s falling asleep every chance you get. It’s getting a headache just picturing doing something you love. It’s losing all interest in things you used to care about. It’s looking at your past as someone else’s life and wishing you could have that

.

Depression is a serious, serious issue that has been stigmatized, made fun of, and misunderstood. People who have never experienced it are quick to offer advice that is usually unhelpful and ineffective, including telling the person to just stop being depressed, or making a list of reasons why they’re depressed. Or, and sometimes most frustratingly, they’ll say something along the lines of, “But you don’t seem depressed!”

Some of the funniest people I’ve ever known are also some of the most depressed people I’ve known. There’s a certain deflection technique in humor, as well as a tiny instant reward when you make someone laugh, and I think depressed people need that desperately.

But please remember:

Just because someone doesn’t fit your idea of depression doesn’t mean they might not be fighting it every day.

Just because someone doesn’t do things you think they/everyone should do, doesn’t mean they aren’t working as hard as they possibly can, and achieving goals of their own.

Just because you have depression doesn’t mean you need to be ashamed of it and keep it to yourself.

Just because your depression is overwhelming right this moment doesn't mean that in the next moment, in the next day, in the next week, month or year, that it will still be this bad. Everything fluctuates, even depression.

Just because something worked for someone else doesn't mean it will work for you, and that's okay.

For everyone else suffering with depression, please don't give up. Please don't think you are lesser than the people who can easily go about their lives and complete tasks that are a challenge for you. Please try not to compare yourself to anyone else at all.

Please be good to yourself.

Living, and Loving Life... Even With Panic Disorder

Yesterday I made this as a reminder to myself about how I need to face life with anxiety and severe panic attacks. I don't talk about my condition in public very often but I wanted to share this:

My name is Kendra L. Saunders. I'm a published author, fashion blogger, music store nerd, frequent traveler...and I also suffer from severe panic attacks.

With much love from some special friends and family, I'm working hard to battle my panic and depression, and love life with all of its challenges. It's not easy, but as the lyrics to one of my favorite songs says, "I live, but I love this life." (Coldplay)

A few of the important things I've learned recently are:

*We all have quirks, strengths and weaknesses. Just because someone else seems to have a perfect life doesn't mean they do. Just because we feel we have overwhelming odds against us doesn't mean we need to give up.

*Anxiety is fear of fear. It's fear that you will be afraid, you will react badly, you will suffer again out of fear of something that has or hasn't happened. Knowing this helps take away some of its strength.

*We don't usually see our best moments coming any more than we see the bad ones coming. Just because we've had a series of unexpected misfortunes doesn't mean we'll never have another moment of happiness. It's all fluid, it changes, and it goes up as well as down.

*Look back to your favorite memories to be reminded that you got through darkness and found light, not to make yourself feel bad for what's happening right now in your life.

*Most panic attacks only last five minutes if you don't fight them or feed into them. Only FIVE minutes! That's not so bad, really, is it? Just let your body do its panic thing, tell yourself you're going to let it happen for five minutes and wait it out. The more you accept it in the moment, the faster it will pass.

*You are more than your mental illness, depression or anxiety. You are a multifaceted human being with loved ones, dreams, talents, and a future. Accept your dragon, whatever form it takes- anxiety, depression, etc- and then say, "This is MY dragon. And I will fight it." Battle it, but remember that it is yours, it's a part of you, and that's okay, but it is not all you are made of.

*When panic begins to form inside you, just tell yourself, "This is it! Another challenge! And when I beat this one, I'll be one step closer to being panic-proof!" Think of it however works best for you- imagine battling your anxiety in a video game, or imagine a big calendar with check marks, each day and each check getting you close to vacation, aka the end of feeling so overwhelmed by your anxiety.

*Something that a very sweet person told me recently made a huge difference with my panic attacks. She told me to think of what made me feel most alive. Think of it fully, in detail. She said some people think of a person who is vibrant and colorful, some think of a beach or a fond memory. For me, its the Tick Tock Diner in NYC. I'm stepping off the bus, I'm turning right off the bus and adjusting my backpack strap and popping my headphones in, looking up at the late-afternoon sky, listening to cars and trucks roll by, half-noticing the tourists buying cheap scarves and bags and pictures of Marilyn Monroe, smelling second-hand-smoke and burned hot dogs. It's my happy place. It's where I feel alive. When I feel like I'm about to lose control of my anxiety, I tell myself that I'm there, I will BE THERE again, and let that soak clear through to the cells of my being. Find your happy place, find what makes you MOST ALIVE. Be there. Live in that moment, always.

Living with panic disorder can sometimes feel like you're not living at all, but you're not alone, and there is always a new opportunity for you to fight- and win- whatever is holding you back. Much love to you, and feel free to tweet me anytime if you need to talk about this. @kendrybird