10 Lbs

they say the camera adds 10 lbs
I think it adds 10 flaws
it flattens your hair but won't flatten your belly
stretches your skin too thin
smudges your 12-hour eyeliner, waterproof mascara
adds a ring to the bags under your eyes
highlights every wrinkle
sends you in a nervous rush to the drugstore for concealer
midlife crisis, 15 years early

add 10 stories to every picture
the laughter that made your eyes water
until your makeup slid down your cheeks
the drink that sent your brain to fizzy heights
the wink your friend cast across the table at you
just before he admitted he kind of liked you
the smile that made your eyes look squinty
the sweet, cold rain that refreshed you but ruined your hair
when you kissed him the first time
your quarter-life miracle, just in time



(For more of my poetry, check out my collection: GEMINIS AND PAST LIVES)

Body Positivity in Fiction

When I set out to write The Unlove Spell, I was beginning a journey that was new to me. I’ve always written about magic, and complicated, dark haired (usually foreign) men, and I love to write with a humorous tone that wheels between screwball and dark, but a romance? That was a new experience altogether.

The Unlove Spell is the story of Marling, a young witch who accidentally placed a spell on herself to prevent her heart from ever belonging to anyone but Viktor Arson, the hot Russian writer she shared a passionate, but brief, fling with. Marling’s spent the five years since their fling alone, occupying her personal time with the internet and hot chocolate. Viktor, who is actually a fae prince, has gone on to become a world-famous writer. He can also still make a killer good cup of coffee and wear the hell out of some leather pants. Marling finds herself caught up in a screwball plot by one of her former magic teachers and winds up in Russia, hunting Viktor down and trying to determine if she really loves him, or if her feelings are just a product of the unlove spell.

Facing a story that is primarily romantic left me nervous about falling into the deep treads of BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Let’s be honest… there’s nothing new that could ever happen in romance. Two beings fall in love with each other, face some kind of adversity, overcome it and live happily ever after. Or one of them freezes to death on a raft that could have likely supported the weight of two people. Ahem.

One of my biggest goals with Marling was to portray a girl we all know and can believe in, instead of the 'effortlessly cool' girls I see in a lot of romantic fiction. She’s a little flighty, she doesn’t know exactly what she wants to do with her life, she sometimes lies to her peers about having a stomach bug to avoid going to an awkward party. She likes to look at pictures of cute animals on the internet. She can't go all Black Widow and kick someone in the face with her high heeled boots. But my real starting point for Marling was this:

There were three things that Marling was not particularly pleased about in regards to herself. One, her nose was crooked. Two, her voice was a bit deeper than she’d like it to be. Third, even after two consecutive years of French tutoring as a child, Marling could only remember about a dozen French words. Of course, there were also three things that she was terribly proud of. One, she’d never dyed her chesnut-brown hair (well, maybe once she’d dyed it with a spray can of sparkly pink stuff but it had mostly washed out after five weeks). Two, she had always maintained a comfortable size 12 (petite). Third, she had over six thousand followers on tumblr.

Marling is never called plus-sized. Marling doesn’t endure pages of self-torture about diets, eating, losing weight, looking ‘fat’ or worrying about how thin other people are. In fact, the only time Marling’s size is called into question is when Viktor’s mother- a major antagonist in the story- calls her fat. The scene is painful for Marling, as it would be for anyone. Yes, Marling is a size 12. No, she’s not as small as some girls. Yes, she’s probably been called fat in her life. But she doesn’t obsess over her weight or expect others will either.

Marling Ellis is an average sized, brunette American girl, and she likes nice clothes and meets a great guy, no calorie-counting or salad obsessions or “aww, the fat girl gets a guy too, aren’t you shocked!?” plotline needed.

If I can make only one revolutionary wave in the world of modern romance stories, I’d be proud for this to be it.

Fashion, Fat, and the Power of a Pair of Shorts...

I think I first learned the power of clothing as a young teen, when a group of my teen peers descended on my house after a long bike ride in the New England summer heat. I offered cold juice and water and a few pairs of shorts to the girls, an innocent desire to share refreshment and clean clothes. One of the girls accepted a pair of my shorts, folded them in half and then laughed and said something along the lines of, "I'd have to fold them in half for them to fit me."

Boom.

Just like that, every negative voice in my life that had told me I was overweight, ugly, disproportionate, pudgy, fat, etc, came swirling together in confirmation, in the voice of a 13 year old girl. I'd heard it a million times from my father, a few bullies at school, some members of my extended family, but this was different. My shorts were a flag of fatness. My clothes were a mockery, twice as big as the clothes of my peers.

For many years after that incident, I found excuses to avoid wearing shorts. I was too warm or none of my shorts fit right. For every reason someone could suggest I bare my legs, there was a reason not to. And it wasn't just my legs, of course, it was everything, sometimes even my neck. I hid in clothes that were baggy and ill-fitting and far too mature for a teenager. For years I drowned in turtlenecks and baggy pants, long skirts and shapeless tops.

Many years later, after much soul (and clothing store) searching, I dared to wear a short dress with tights. It felt frightening at first, but it was just one step of many. And then it happened... some miraculous combination of style liberation (great cuts, great colors, great FASHION!) and bravery and a bit of extra spending money allowed me to buy clothes that I looked great in. I experimented with colors and shapes and styling, borrowed from various eras long past and created a few pieces all of my own.

Shockingly for someone who had gone though a painful 6 or 7 year period of hiding under unflattering clothes, I had good taste, daring style and original ideas. Unlike the years of disappearing into a crowd, I suddenly stood out of a crowd- and received positive feedback! People liked it!

Fashion is far more than pretty clothes on skinny people. Clothes have the power to make or break your day, your year, your era, your life. Clothes can drown you or they can announce your entrance. Clothes can help you blend in or they can turn you into a star. Glitter, fringe and feathers can tell the world that you're a sparkly and daring person inside, whatever size you happen to be. Clothes can make you feel taller, thinner, curvier, more powerful, whatever.

If you've ever found yourself drowning in unflattering, boxy, oversized clothes for the sake of someone who might ridicule you... there's a dress out there to change it all. Or a pair of jeans. Or a crazy great shirt. A hat! A chunky necklace. A short skirt.

Don't give up. Don't drown. If you're a warrior princess inside, buy some more studded jackets. If there's a Carrie Bradshaw inside you just dying to get out, wear that fluffy pink skirt and feathered headband. Find the clothes that make you feel how you WANT to feel, not how you think others see you. The more you dress like yourself, your true self, the more you'll see your true self. 

And so will everyone else.